Confessions

1.    I am in the process of coming to grips with the fact that I may never be financially “comfortable” or “well off.” That is to say that I’m learning to be happy with just being happy instead of constantly chasing the ever-elusive dream of wealth.

2.    I own a guitar that I barely know how to play. Same with our piano.

3.    The author of my favorite book this year has agreed to read my book and write a blurb for the cover. I’m beyond overjoyed.

4.    I’m at a crossroads with my hair right now.

5.    I am a newly indoctrinated disciple of The Church of Malcolm Gladwell.

6.    I almost never wore my retainer after my braces were removed and now my two front teeth are beginning to overlap.

7.    My favorite thing in the world is cuddling with my daughter just after she wakes up in the morning.

8.    I was falsely accused this week of stealing an idea from another blogger – a person who seems to believe a tongue-in-cheek letter to Oprah Winfrey is the pinnacle of originality. This blogger’s readers called me a thief, a plagiarist, a no-talent wannabe, a loser, a moron, and a jealous poser. I’ve been called worse, bitches.

9.    My first book will be released six months from this week.

10.    Last weekend I went to my first-ever blogger get-together (not including SXSW) and the people I got drunk with were beyond cool. Not a no-talent wannabe or jealous poser in the bunch. The pictures are all over Facebook if you want to see the carnage.

11.    I always have Diet Coke and Caffeine-Free Diet Coke in the house, but last week the store was out of Caffeine-Free Diet Coke so I bought Caffeine-Free Diet Pepsi instead. There’s just no comparison. I know I’m drinking chemicals but I at least want them to taste like something non-chemical.

12.    My dream job is writing for Saturday Night Live.

13.    I’m envious of my son’s athletic ability.

14.    In the past year I have received three different packages from DGM readers and each of them contained beer. BEER!

15.    My favorite song of all time is Bad by U2.

16.    I find it hilarious that so many of the people who make their livings talking on the radio are grammatically retarded.

17.    I know this is a terrible, horrible, awful thing to say, and I’m sure its reflective of a deep flaw in my character, and probably my education, and possibly also several generations of my family, but I really, truly do not get the whole David Sedaris thing. I’ve tried. Really, I have. But I just don’t get it.

18.    I’m very self-conscious about my calves. Rather, my lack thereof.

19.    I think my sister is an amazing human being and it kills me not to be able to spend more time with her.

20.    I crack up when I see Will Ferrell. He doesn’t even have to say anything.

21.    Having been laid-off before and knowing the way it impacts the male ego, I cringe every time I hear that another company is cutting jobs by the hundreds and thousands. Many men find a large measure of self-worth in being able to provide for their families – as did I – and I know the hell some of them will confront when their jobs are taken away. It breaks my heart.

22.    I know some gang signs but I’m not in a gang. Westside, muthafuckas.

23.    If I ever did join a gang, I’d want to be the treasurer. Do gangs have treasurers? For some reason I imagine it to be an extreme version of student council.

24.    My daughter just got her report card and the comments on it remind me very much of the things teachers used to say about me: lazy, needs to focus, needs to complete her assignments, could be a good student if he/she would apply him/herself, devilishly handsome.

25.    I’ve been sitting here for 20 minutes trying to think of a 25th thing, but I’ve got nothing.