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ARGH. It seems like everyone around here has at least 5 kids, and they treat them like garbage. It is so the opposite of gentle parenting...everyone I know or have met makes their kids (from tiny infants to preschoolers) cry it out, spanks, and all that stuff. Almost a return to the 'be seen and not heard' mentality of days gone by. I don't understand it! Is it the large family sizes that make individual kids kind of lost in the shuffle...is it the country mentality of having kids so you can put them to work for you...is it the canadian/german influence that is kind of cold and distant...or what?

All I know is I'm struggling to maintain what I think is right. I am praying, praying for God to show me whether he wants me to change. But I don't think he does.

Tony is bummed because one of his "friends" from CA called and apparently, Tony's parents are bashing our choice to move to Michigan...saying we are stupid and not thinking straight...apparently they forgot that our marriage was on the rocks and that divorce was right around the corner if we stayed. They don't want to take any responsibility for it...which is fine, because it's hard to admit that you SCREWED UP and you're not the kind of man your son wants to emulate...but to bash us to other people is just so hurtful. Tony has to forgive them...they are dead in their sins, they are sinners without God and they cannot be different than they are without the love of Christ...but if he doesn't forgive them, Christ won't forgive him! We are working through that with Marc right now.

Poor lil pill is cutting 4 teeth all at once. Once these are in, only 4 more teeth total to go before his entire mouth is filled...I hope this means no teething issues for the next 4-5 years! TEETHING SUCKS.

Well, I'm going to surf a bit then off to bed.

I don't know why I'm depressed today. We are all healthy. We have food in our refrigerator, a roof over our heads, and the sun is shining. Sure, dh doesn't have a job yet and we don't have the money to pay our rent...which is due in 8 days...and I'm fat and my hair is driving me crazy...but none of that is bothering me right now. So what is?

I guess I just don't understand people who flake out and don't have the consideration to tell you about it. I had planned to work on music with Angell and Savanna...then about an hour ago my bro called to say they weren't coming because they had other things to do. It just depressed me so much for some reason...I was looking forward to working on music, and talking another woman for goodness sake. My sis has been working so much lately that I never see her...and she's too beat to do anything much but sleep when she isn't working.

I just...need to make some IRL friends I guess. I feel like Anne of Green Gables-I just want a KINDRED SPIRIT. I will put in my order with God, because he said he would provide beyond all that I ask or think. So here goes:

Dear Lord,
I would like you to bring a friend into my life. Not just any friend, but a best friend. Someone who doesn't already have 50 best friends that I will have to take turns with. Someone with a child, too, so she can understand if I need to get off the phone or if I can't do a playdate on Friday afternoons at 3. I have had several friends that come close to a 'kindred spirit' but none that really fit the bill all the way. So while I'm asking God, I want someone who makes me laugh. A LOT. And someone who loves to get pedicures, and doesn't like to shop unless she has money. Someone who will let me vent to her and who will include me in her life and family almost like I am part of it. Someone who will yell at my husband if he's being mean to me...someone who will support me when I'm down about everyone telling me to let my child scream his head off, it won't hurt him after all. Someone who isn't mainstream and likes that I'm not mainstream either. Someone who will watch artsy fartsy movies with me. Someone who will donate an organ if I need it. Someone who will be there whether I live 10 minutes or 10 hours away...just a phone call away. Someone who will tell it like it is...but nicely so my feelings won't get hurt.

Okay, I guess that's about all I could possibly ask for. I wonder if I'll ever get it?

Off to enjoy my pity party...later.

Lil pill enjoying the playground at our complex...went down all the slides by himself. Big boy!

Sunday morning worship went well. I played at the 9:15 service and as Marc says, it's the ground floor so there is a lot of work to do. Tomorrow I'm going to go work with him on the song selections for Sunday, and write out parts for the vocal team to sing. I also have to go buy the christmas music for the small group I'm forming this week. Christmas Day is on Sunday, so we are going to do a musical. Hopefully there is enough time to learn everything and sound really good.

Darian has been so congested for the last two nights that we got a humidifier today and we're running it while he sleeps right now. Not that we can afford to buy anything, since Tony still doesn't have a job. But, I know God will take care of us in some way. Either my PERS money will come in, Tony will get a job in the next 10 days, Becky will somehow find a way to pay us what she owes for the move, or something.

I'm starting Slimfast tomorrow-1 for breakfast and lunch and a "sensible dinner". I have to do something. I've been at this weight for 12 years now and I'm ready to be thin. Ready to sit at the movies without having to have the armrest up to be comfortable. Ready to get on an airplane knowing the belt will reach.

Another thing I never realized about motherhood: things I cared about b.d. (before Darian) I don't care about now. For instance...I am a diehard Dallas Cowboys fan. Now, I still love them...but they are playing right now and I just checked the score to make sure they were winning, and came to blog before bed. I guess football just isn't on my daily list of things that are important anymore. It makes me sad...a little.

I have so much to do this week: Reta turns 18 this month and I have to beg, borrow, or steal something to make a present for her. Marc's b.d. is on the 4th...Amber's on the 16th, Becky's on the 19...argh! No money for presents for anyone, but I feel obligated to do something. It's times like this when I get discouraged and also feel a bit pressured. I am very crafty and usually make presents for all occasions. But making presents sometimes costs more than buying them (especially the way I do them, it seems!) so I don't know what I'm going to do this year.

Well, I've caught my two readers up on my life. I will go to bed now.

Well, Darian put himself to sleep the other night. For all who said it couldn't happen, or he would never be ready on his own, and I would need to "train" him...:P nanny nanny, he did it. He just rolled over and closed his eyes and went to sleep. I didn't pat him or sing to him or anything, because I wanted to make sure he was going to do it on his own. YAY!

So now of course I'm feeling totally vindicated with our choices to not force him into his own bed to fall asleep on his own. He'll get there...when he's ready!!!

On Sunday Tony and I were baptized. Marc got tears in his eyes when he introduced me. I don't think I've ever seen him cry...so I started crying! LOL So far it has been wonderful. We are reading the Bible every morning and starting the day with prayer.

Darian wants a nap so I need to go. I will update more later!