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Dh and I just got paid and it's all gone already. We have soooo much catching up to do! I know it will come in time. I can't shake the need to make the house beautiful, warm, and welcoming for the Angels but I'm going to have to do it a bit more cheaply than I want to.

Dh picked me up and we had lunch together. We haven't done that since the CSUF days. Then we smooched right behind the 7-11 like a couple of kids. Nice!

WOOHOO it's Friday. Time to get my house in order for the visit next week.

Had orientation today so I just got into work after snarfling down a chicken salad sandwich from 7-11 across the street. Thanks, professor lady, whomever you may be, for telling me how to check the "made by dates" for the freshest possible craptastic sandwhich.

So I snarfed down the sandwich, half a bag of cheetos puffs, about 40 ounces of my Super Big Gulp, and 1/2 a bottled Starbucks mocha, and now I'm ready to work! Bring it on baby!

I am consumed with worry about lil pill right now. He was very quiet all day and night yesterday and is punishing dh and I by not speaking to us when we pick him up. He's not taking us both working very well, poor lil guy. I honestly don't know what to do about it. I just know I'd never forgive myself if something happened to him while he's getting sub-par care from my own blessed mother for crying out loud. I want to make everything okay in everyone's world. I guess that hasn't changed since I was 6 and thought I was responsible for making my parents love each other. *sigh*

Okay, off to do real work now.

Dh starts a new job today. Hopefully we can make a fresh start. We certainly can't blame anyone but ourselves if we don't.

My job is going well, I enjoy it for the most part. But this will not be worth it if I don't come out of it with serious savings and a paid off 2nd car so that I can be a SAHM again. Right now, I think we are shooting to get pregnant in January or February of '08. That way I will have paid benefits and maternity leave and all that.

I really, really want to homeschool Darian and the time to make a decision is fast approaching. For now we're just gonna sock away everything we can, after we catch up on all our bills and buy the things we need (and a couple of things we want, like new bedroom furniture). I'm hoping we can save in the neighborhood of 50K in the next 2 years with our combined salaries. That should be enough to make sure we can comfortably live on dh's salary, buy some land, and pay off a little yurt and go off the grid. I'm excited! I can be the kooky herb-growing, brownie baking lady who homeschools her kids.

Amber should be moving down here in the next 2 wks, and can take care of Darian part time until Mom moves back to CA in Sept. At that point I'll have to decide about daycare/preschool/fulltime nannying, but I don't want to think about it now.

This morning is exactly why I have so many fears about trying to have another baby.

Honestly, it's all about "d" h. He's great and very loving when everything is going perfectly in his life. But when anything-and I do mean ANYTHING, from someone cutting him off in traffic to lil pill not getting his shoes on and throwing a fit about it, from the dog needing to go out, from me telling him to stop ogling the woman walking to work for crying out loud...if ANY of those or various and sundry other things happen in a day, he loses it.

Now, dh is not an emotionless guy. He is 1/2 Mexican, 1/2 Italian-or Mexilan as I call it. These two cultures do not normally produce men noted for passivity, for hanging back to see what happens, for calmness in the face of chaos. Dh is a product of his ethnicity, but also of his upbringing. He watched HIS dad scream and curse all his life. So, even though he says he hates it, that's what he does.

I am just tired of hearing myself called a **nt. It's going to stop, or I'm done. I'm sick of making excuses for him (just needs a job/just needs a better job/just needs more sex/sleep/food/respect) and I'm finally ready to give him an ultimatum. GROW UP OR GET OUT. Because I will not, repeat will not bring another boy into this world to grow up talking to his wife that way, or a girl to think she has to take that kind of treatment.

Luckily, pill is very introspective. Last night he asked me "Mommy can we pray to Jesus about Daddy screaming and angry"? Broke my heart. Just devastated me. And I feel that I'm contributing to the issues by staying with this man, who I love very much but who has broken me in a lot of ways. I don't want my kids to say "Mom, why DIDNT YOU LEAVE?"

It's been 7 years: 2 good, 2 okay, 2 desperately terrible, 1 indifferent. Nothing's changed but the date. If asked about therapy, he will tell me I need to go, as well. Yes, I do actually. I need to go find my mojo wherever I left it before he entered my life, back when I would've never allowed someone to talk to me the way he does. I don't know what's happened to me, but I feel like I need to break the cycle. Whether pill is an only child or not.

Well, dh got a job offer yesterday. A GREAT, freaking fantastic job offer. With both our salaries, we will be able to pretty much do anything we want (w/in reason). But...I still want another baby. I'm so conflicted. I feel pressure from my body, which needs to be thinner but is getting older by the minute. I feel pressure about D, who is getting older and more like the typical only child every day. I feel pressure to contribute financially.

I really, really, really like my new job. And I can see it being the type of place that I could bring my baby to, at least for a few months, if I just ask the right people in the right way. For all intents and purposes, I had planned on staying here less than 2 years. But, it will be very very hard to give up this kind of money, especially with dh's salary combined, and go back to the 1-car-stay-at-home-never-have-any-money kind of lifestyle we have been "enjoying" for the past 3 years.

I just don't know.

Coltrane is doing well. He had the runs pretty badthe last couple of days, because I bought him dogfood when I ran out of raw. Need to find a good supplier...grocery store prices are killing me. He is a really sweet doggie and I'm so glad he's in our lives!

Dh starts work next Monday so he has a whole week to love on D. Amber is supposedly moving down here w/in the next 3 wks to take over D's full time care. We shall see how that goes! I'd really like him here with me all day.

Does the mother guilt ever end?