UGH-stay or go?
This morning is exactly why I have so many fears about trying to have another baby.
Honestly, it’s all about “d” h. He’s great and very loving when everything is going perfectly in his life. But when anything-and I do mean ANYTHING, from someone cutting him off in traffic to lil pill not getting his shoes on and throwing a fit about it, from the dog needing to go out, from me telling him to stop ogling the woman walking to work for crying out loud…if ANY of those or various and sundry other things happen in a day, he loses it.
Now, dh is not an emotionless guy. He is 1/2 Mexican, 1/2 Italian-or Mexilan as I call it. These two cultures do not normally produce men noted for passivity, for hanging back to see what happens, for calmness in the face of chaos. Dh is a product of his ethnicity, but also of his upbringing. He watched HIS dad scream and curse all his life. So, even though he says he hates it, that’s what he does.
I am just tired of hearing myself called a **nt. It’s going to stop, or I’m done. I’m sick of making excuses for him (just needs a job/just needs a better job/just needs more sex/sleep/food/respect) and I’m finally ready to give him an ultimatum. GROW UP OR GET OUT. Because I will not, repeat will not bring another boy into this world to grow up talking to his wife that way, or a girl to think she has to take that kind of treatment.
Luckily, pill is very introspective. Last night he asked me “Mommy can we pray to Jesus about Daddy screaming and angry”? Broke my heart. Just devastated me. And I feel that I’m contributing to the issues by staying with this man, who I love very much but who has broken me in a lot of ways. I don’t want my kids to say “Mom, why DIDNT YOU LEAVE?”
It’s been 7 years: 2 good, 2 okay, 2 desperately terrible, 1 indifferent. Nothing’s changed but the date. If asked about therapy, he will tell me I need to go, as well. Yes, I do actually. I need to go find my mojo wherever I left it before he entered my life, back when I would’ve never allowed someone to talk to me the way he does. I don’t know what’s happened to me, but I feel like I need to break the cycle. Whether pill is an only child or not.
