If you're new here and you think I'm a good waste of 5 minutes a day, you may want to subscribe to my RSS feed. Thanks for visiting, and please come back so I can tell my mom I do SO have tons of friends!

My Mother's Day present (to myself)

Not much else to say! I'm sad now. I wish I could say it was time for another baby, but I know in my heart that I'm not ready physically and dh and my relationship isn't where it needs to be before ttc #2.

Time to start another week of work. It was a good wkend all in all. Have come to the realization that there's been far too much worrying and stress and not enough happiness and trying to better ourselves going around in our little house. So, at least for me, that ends now. I don't want to end up a negative, bitter woman that no one wants to be around. I will look for the positives in each situation instead of the negatives first. I will strive to become closer to God and more giving with my dh.

Yesterday in church I had a little epiphany. I realized that, after all, I didn't marry a music pastor or youth pastor or missionary. I married someone who doesn't like to go to church, curses a lot, has a really bad temper, and who thinks if he's a good person, that's enough. I married this man because of my sin and running away from God's plan for me. God allowed it to happen, for my good I believe, and now it's up to me to figure out how to be the person God wants me to be in spite of all the terrible decisions I've made. I don't believe God wants me to leave my husband to become that person; that was a choice I made that God can use for my good if I allow him to.

So, God, once again I'm giving myself to you. I think my life should've been much different, and probably would've if I'd made different decisions. In your grace you allowed me to choose unwisely, knowing it would change me and create a different heart in me (dare I say I was rather smug and sanctimonous about what a good Christian I was in the old days?), knowing I would have a child that would need to be taught by example, knowing the outcome of my choice would mean years of unhappiness and trying to fill the void with spending, eating, and other addictions. Thank you Lord, for this opportunity. Please create something beautiful out of it, and out of me.

I've been slammed at work this week. Yesterday my boss took me to Hollywood Cemetery. Sounds creepy, but there are 2 Presidents (3 if you count Jefferson Davis, the "President" of the Confederacy) buried there and lots of amazing architecture. Virginia's first families are all buried there...anyway, we sat overlooking the James River and ate our sandwiches. She told me that she was so glad I was working for her and that I was doing wonderfully. Being a praise junkie, it's so nice to hear that.

Last night I started reading Protecting the Gift by Gavin de Becker. I have heard nothing but kudos about this book from the MDC mamas so I thought I would actually read it instead of reading about it. I'm through the first 3 chapters, and yes wow what a great book. I recommend it to any mom, any babysitter or nanny or childcare provider, as a must read.

I'm working on a little montage for myself on one true media for Mother's Day. Tony doesn't think about doing things like that, so I'm doing it for my gift! LOL They have an amazing site. My only complaint is that you can't enhance photos the way you can on shutterfly-no red eye reduction or photo corners, things like that. But other than that, it is a really professional operation. We've ordered 3 or 4 things from them and they put it down!

Gotta go do some work now. For some reason I woke up with a pounding headache. I do hope it goes away soon!

I'm picturing Scarlett O'Hara with clenched fist and the dirt of a once-great plantation crumbling through her fingers, vowing "As God is my witness, I will never be hungry again!"

That's how I feel about being poor. Once again we have no money even for necessities at the end of the month. We are just going to barely scrape by until next Tuesday when we both get paid. I just want to have money in the bank, all the bills paid, and the ability to see a movie or get dinner a couple of times a week. We have sooo much catching up to do-we owe about $1,200 in taxes (because we always claim 9 so we can live during the year on one salary)-we owe Mom 1,700 for 2 months of rent she helped us with-Tony has not paid for bankruptcy so that's $1,400, all coming up in the next couple of months. Wow lots to pay and lots to catch up with. Not to mention all our regular bills.

Lord, please take care of this...I am way too worried about it. I'm sorry I have been so foolish with money in the past. Please let us be able to get caught up and get all our bills paid off in a timely manner. And please help us to live within the means that you have spectactularly provided for us.

We drove to VA Beach yesterday, took 2 hours there, 3.5 hours back because of traffic. Cost us $40 we didn't have and 3/4 a tank of gas. But all lil pill could talk about was "the fun day at the fun beach and how those waves came up and the water was so cold!" I didn't get him to sleep until about 11 last night because he kept popping his little head out of bed to tell me "just one more thing, mommy" about the beach. Stupid from a monetary standpoint, priceless to my son.

Since the madness with Virginia Tech earlier this week, I haven't felt much like posting. I don't know why there is such sorrow and pain and anger in the world. Maybe it's naieve to think that if we were all just loved a little more as children, things wouldn't be half as bad as they are now. I'm sure that's a little too simplistic, but it's how I feel.

Speaking of children...mine is going through a phase where he doesn't want to talk to me at all. He is hitting, scratching, etc when I get home if I try to love on him. He doesn't do this to dh, so I can't figure it out. It's just been since dh and I both started working. I don't know if he is still mad that I'm not seeing him that much anymore, or what. I try to spend the dreaded "quality time" (dreaded because to me that word denotes that kids should be okay with not seeing their parents very much, as long as they have a good time when they do see them) with him every night, but honestly 6-9 pm is a far cry from having mommy all day.

Major drama with Mom being a pain in the butt. I don't know how to get through to her. We are so very very different. She's done service for the last 50 years and she's d.o.n.e. That's fine, I say, fly back to California and be happy! I just want her to live her remaining years in relative happiness, where she wants to be. We had a much better relationship before she came here, she is just soooo unhappy and bitter and critical. I want her to find happiness but she is so full of duty that she won't let herself.

Well, I'm off to another day of work. This weekend should be nice, so hopefully we'll go to Maymont.

We got us a noreaster! Woohoo! My first ever. So far it has been categorized by lots and lots of rain and high winds. Maybe I'll see a 'cane! Some livin, baby!

Well, Amber made it here in 20 straight hours because they didn't have the money to stop in a hotel. However, they did have the money for lots and lots of Starbucks along the way. Anyway, they (Amber and her friend) got here on Saturday at about 3 am. Saturday night they checked out all the clubs in Richmond (ah to be 22 again), then Amber took her friend to D.C. to catch a flight back home. Except that they left really, really late, realized they had the wrong directions, and instead of calling us or trying to read a map, paid another $250 for another flight this morning at the same time (7:15 am), and came home.

The same people that found their way across the flipping country and to our front door (harder than you might think) couldn't find their way to a major airport with about 1,000 signs. Hmm. What this says about the levels of D's care, I don't care to ponder. Also! Amber decided she doesn't want to work at Lowes (she transferred) but instead of going in and telling them that, she's going to call this morning at the same time she's due to work. I'm sure I did stupid crap like that once upon a time but clearly she has some growing up to do.

My job is not to berate or educate her, but simply to pay her the salary we agreed upon and let her take it from there. Right now she'll be watching D full-time and getting a PT job on the wkends; eventually to go PT for us, PT with more hours at her other job.

In other words! I am trying to find a new house. I don't see why we live way out in the country, since the benefits don't exist there as advertised. Those of you who know me know what I'm talking about. Suddenly, being able to walk to work and to coffee shops on the weekend, and Coltrane and lil pill up and down in a historic district seems like a fun idea. So, I'll get started and see if anyone will take us with our credit. No matter what, we won't be in our current house for more than a year.