Monday, Monday
My Mother’s Day present (to myself)
Not much else to say! I’m sad now. I wish I could say it was time for another baby, but I know in my heart that I’m not ready physically and dh and my relationship isn’t where it needs to be before ttc #2.
Time to start another week of work. It was a good wkend all in all. Have come to the realization that there’s been far too much worrying and stress and not enough happiness and trying to better ourselves going around in our little house. So, at least for me, that ends now. I don’t want to end up a negative, bitter woman that no one wants to be around. I will look for the positives in each situation instead of the negatives first. I will strive to become closer to God and more giving with my dh.
Yesterday in church I had a little epiphany. I realized that, after all, I didn’t marry a music pastor or youth pastor or missionary. I married someone who doesn’t like to go to church, curses a lot, has a really bad temper, and who thinks if he’s a good person, that’s enough. I married this man because of my sin and running away from God’s plan for me. God allowed it to happen, for my good I believe, and now it’s up to me to figure out how to be the person God wants me to be in spite of all the terrible decisions I’ve made. I don’t believe God wants me to leave my husband to become that person; that was a choice I made that God can use for my good if I allow him to.
So, God, once again I’m giving myself to you. I think my life should’ve been much different, and probably would’ve if I’d made different decisions. In your grace you allowed me to choose unwisely, knowing it would change me and create a different heart in me (dare I say I was rather smug and sanctimonous about what a good Christian I was in the old days?), knowing I would have a child that would need to be taught by example, knowing the outcome of my choice would mean years of unhappiness and trying to fill the void with spending, eating, and other addictions. Thank you Lord, for this opportunity. Please create something beautiful out of it, and out of me.
