a hippy chick

I hereby declare that as of Friday, December 28th, I am inviting health into my life.

 This means abusive people have limited and superficial contact with me.  This means that I will carefully investigate the motives behind why people do things before opening up to them.  This means that I will not hesitate to end relationships that are abusive.

For the last 9 months, I’ve had a friend.  This friend has been very supportive, and become very close rather quickly.  We’ve hung out a lot, our families have hung out a lot.  A good friend, except when she’s not.  This is sort of like Mr. A.  “Such a nice guy!” people say.  Yes, except when he’s not.  There is a children’s nursery rhyme that goes like this:

When she was good she was very very good
But when she was bad, she was awful

Everyone has their ups and downs, but it’s more like Jekell and Hyde with this “friend”.  Exactly like Mr. A, in fact. When on Christmas Eve, exchanging presents, I was asked to leave her house because I had bought a new car, despite the fact that I’ve never asked anything of her, not money or help; despite everything that has been given to me has been defective or damaged in some fundamental way; apparently I am not to be trusted and am taking advantage, and am only a friend because it in some way gives me an edge at work. 

HUH?  And after an hour of crying (on my part) and judgement (on her part), we meekly exchange gifts that I cannot afford to buy but I still have, and she gives me a card with a fridge magnet and a note saying the old car is paid in full, I refuse to accept it.  And then the next day when I sell the old car and hand her a cashiers check for the entire amount I insisted on paying  (despite her repeated protests), she says nothing and has no further contact with me.  Because I was stupid and careless enough to buy a new car (my first, I might add…have I mentioned that?) and that proves how immature and impractical I am and is a good reason to berate me for driving her nuts. 

The awful has come out and allowed me to see that once again I’ve decided to rescue someone.  Someone who says they are an unhappy person who doesn’t trust anyone (and who says over and over that they don’t trust you), and has ptsd flashbacks because of all the abuse in their past, and rudely spouts their opinion to all who will listen (but doesn’t understand why people have problems with them), and feels the need to judge and opine over every area of your life that is different from theirs.  When that someone is never happy when things are going well for you, and who gives gifts with large strings attached, a normal person would run away from that or at the very least suggest a good counselor. 

But what do I do?  I decide this person will be my best friend!  Because we have so much in common, surely she will not hurt me, surely she will understand my feelings about the world, surely I am safe to share with her, surely I can help her through the minefield of life with my fresh perspective.

Rescuing a little lost dog is noble, but when that dog turns on you and slashes your throat out while you’re trying to help him, it’s time to give up.

 So Universe, listen up! I AM THROUGH RESCUING PEOPLE.  I will focus all that energy on getting myself to be a healthy, well-rounded person who can have a normal friendship.  If I’m not emotionally healthy, the people in my life are likely not to be healthy, either.  I will stop letting others have power over me.  This is my life, to live in God’s will, without benefit of others judgement or ridicule.