a hippy chick

Tomorrow will mark three months since I moved out. I figure now is as good a time as any to blast away my preconceived notions of Eden-like existence, or what I thought life as a single mom was going to be.  Here for your viewing pleasure…the three month checkup.

Emotional health

Social pariah, unloved and unlovable, can’t even decide on hair color; have never once made a person’s eyes darken with lust and longing; apparently reading way too many romance novels.  Constantly afraid not smart enough to do this life thing, let alone raise another human being to do this life thing. Seeing therapist who cuts through the bull.  Need to see her more.  Still feel the need to be the best at everything I undertake; still painfully aware that I’m not even close.

Financial health

Much overtime work enabled purchase of new car, but now payments must be made with no overtime coming in. Euthanizing dog led to one payday loan, which wiped out bank account for next paycheck, which led to another payday loan. Can you declare bankruptcy over $8 or $9,000?

Independence-from-Mr.A-health

Have managed to ask for nothing, and have offered no bargains in return.  Friendly tending toward defensive if too long in personal stratosphere; do not expect much and have been a little pleasantly surprised now that personal emotions have been removed from situation.

 Work health

Got new job, now must keep new job; am I smart enough to make a living on my own with no safety blanket?  Heavens knows I can’t do math. Am I smart enough (and determined enough) to stay in Richmond for years to learn a new set of job skills, even though my fight or flight says “be free! find your utopia!”?

 

Physical health

Aside from bout with pneumonia, all is well in our little haven.  Have lost a total of 15 pounds since leaving; eat whatever and whenever I want to.  Looking forward to warmer weather and taking long walks with new dog and same child.  Have had to stop going to chiropractor so am not feeling as well as possible.

 

Spiritual health

Have managed to make it to church most Sundays, but woefully lacking in achieving sense of holiness or rightness with God.  Too many time demands lead me to selfishly choose other things when I have a spare moment.  This is the biggest area to work on.  On the other hand, finally not feeling like God is going to get me with a bolt of lightning, either.

 

Social health

This one’s easy, because I haven’t got any.  Friends, that is.  Social life either. Since deciding I would only surround myself with emotionally healthy people, I’ve had a lot of time to work on my own emotional health without nagging interruptions from others.   Still trying to settle into having my own time once or twice a week; so used to nursing/carrying/playing/parenting lil pill around the clock that there hasn’t been a big difference in me partnered and me un-partnered.

 

 Creative health

Writing a book that I will finish, for once; decorating apartment full of girly touches just because I like them; allowing for the possibility that I may yet get to work at a job that meets my creative needs; looking at piano longingly and have ordered sheet music and manu paper so I can start writing again when guilt overtakes tiredness.

 

All other kinds of health

Feeling sorry for myself a lot; realizing I’m not cut out to be a stay at home mom to a 4 year old; obsessed with having another baby before age 35, feeling guilty for only wanting what I can get from a relationship rather than what I can give.   Still facing lots of nighttime fears and anxieties; still convinced most people don’t like me, not so convinced that I need them all to like me.  Wondering if I’m really going to give this a go for the rest of my life; realizing that my favorite dish isn’t so great after the 8th serving; that life isn’t worth living without an animal to share it with; that I don’t need to be the prettiest girl in school anymore.  Still lusting after things I can’t afford; wondering when I’ll win the lotto, or even a free Coke.  On the other hand, have learned to parallel park, walk dog while watching baby, and many other very important life skills.

 

And that, my dear readers, is that.  My 3 month checkup.