a hippy chick

A dirty little fat fact: size matters.

Some girls really like having fat friends. The reflected comparison just makes them feel better; as long as you’re fatter than them, they like being around you. Fat is usually a subconscious replacement for “a sexually non-threatening person who will be grateful for my friendship”. Girls that need all the attention but want to have someone at their back know that a fat girl is the very best kind of friend. You’ll rarely steal the guy or the limelight, you can be counted on to fill in the gaps on Friday night if better plans fall through, and you’re oh! so willing to be needed. These girls will drop you like a hot potato if you get too much attention. Don’t lose weight and don’t dye your hair blonde. Trust me on this one.

Then there are the others who probably wouldn’t reach out in friendship if you weren’t fat…because they’re fat too. Hurt one too many times by those fair-weather attention getters, we gamble that another fat girl probably isn’t going to stab us in the back or change plans when someone better comes along. It can be hard to reach out in friendship when you don’t know if you’ll be condescended to, dismissed with a disgusted look, or used in the fair-weather friend manner. But with another fat person? So much unspoken dialog that binds us, much like any subgroup I predict.

Us fat people know that it’s a different world–and that we have certain specialized needs. We can’t just shop anywhere. Usually, we wouldn’t be caught in public eating anything except a side salad (dressing on the side, please!). There’s no need to explain to another fat chick that you dread that particular movie theater because the seats are too small. She just gets it.

I admit I was worried when I started dropping weight; I didn’t want to lose my fat chicks along the way because they don’t “know” anymore that I’m still one of them, whether I weigh 275 or 208 or 128. I imagine that once I reach my goal weight I’ll have to go overboard to be approachable and make eye contact. This is a fine line between friendly and singlewhitefemale, but I do try to straddle that line. Though I’m conscious of not wanting to preach, it’s really hard to be around fat people and not share my excitement about not being burdened by my fat. Once my naturally bubbly and effusive nature is unleashed and I start singing like a canary, there are lots of questions.

“How did you lose all that weight? Do you like it? It is terrible not to be able to eat whatever you want?” Usually the Q&A ends with something to the effect of “I wish I could do that…I’m just not sure I could give up my french fries.” Or, more often “wow, you’re so lucky…my insurance doesn’t pay, and I can’t afford it.”

Though it’s rare, I do meet fat girls that want to stay fat and are completely happy in their skin. I’m always inwardly gleeful when I meet these chicas, because I love that they really dig themselves just like they are; I love that they are giving the big middle finger to society, saying “take me as I am or get out of my face!” But it’s rare in my experience. For the most part, fat people want to know how to stop being fat. I’m sure this has nothing to do with how our society has glamorized thinness to the point of pathology.

“How do I do it? I don’t like my body. I want to be comfortable in the summer, and in movie theater seats and outdoor cafes. I want to walk down the street eating an ice cream without people turning to stare at me. It’s just so hard. I’ve been on a diet all of my life.”

Of course, I’m an open book, so I yak away and hope they get interested. That’s what happened with Ruby, an amazing lady who started off as my boss years ago and ended up a friend. (She’s the one standing next to me, behind another wonderful friend who was our senior boss.) Although I met these ladies as their assistant/student worker, and am clearly still the underachieving peon of the group, we have something in common: we know what it means to go through life as fat women. Ruby and I had exchanged Christmas cards and a few emails in the years since I moved from CA, but it was right around the time I had surgery that she started reading my blog. Since she had another close friend that did gastric bypass, I think she started reading out of curiosity…and then got personally interested. In the last few months she’s been to countless seminars, medical appointments, support groups, forums. After jumping through many hoops, she’s having surgery on Tuesday morning.

Please say a prayer for a successful surgery and smooth recovery. Bravo to you Ruby, for your courage and dedication to having a healthier life. I know this decision hasn’t been made lightly, and I’m behind you every step of the way. Whether 208 or 128, I’m proud to be your friend. You rock!